memories

Varvara Chinenova

My childhood dream was to do professional horse riding. I started when I was a child, and it was nice, but then later on I wasn’t doing well enough for the professional level, I started to do it less and less.. I don't really remember why I gave up on it, maybe I just grew up, maybe the fact that I went to art school and realised that I want my life to be strongly connected with arts and creativity. And now, shockingly (haha) I am an animator, specialising in traditional 2D animations and sometimes digital 2d animations.
I am very happy with my occupation for now and I love the work that I am doing.
My parents… well. My mother was raised in a creative family, almost an artists clan. She is supporting my choice and understanding that it is a profession in which you can sustain yourself, and if I am interested and enjoying it, so be it. My father, on the other side, is very far and not connected to it, he struggles to understand. However, I was never forced to choose my profession, it was all done by me and with my heart.
I didn’t study well at school at all, the majority of my grades were 3 [again, out of 5]. Of course I would be pressured and wasn’t feeling comfortable with it, my parents wouldn’t be happy with it either, but the pressure wasn’t coming from them. It was among the class and the teachers, there were upsetting jokes that I am “special” as if I’m sick and that’s why I don’t study well. And that is me, a dummy and a strange creative child.
Right now I am being under a lot of pressure that I am working as a freelance artist from home, and not in the office as everyone else. They keep being worried that I don’t leave my home enough, I don’t see the world. My dad is making these cruel jokes about me “watching my tv-series again” even though I am working in the meanwhile and this background noise keeps me concentrated.
I am on my way to finding myself, however it takes time and patience and a lot of tryouts.

Darya Bazilevich

Probably I am the only child who didn’t ever want to become anyone “when I will grow up”. I was submitting to urgent wishes as.. if we would go to the veterinarian with our pet, I would want to become a veterinarian, or if we would go to the grocery store, then I would say that I want to be a cashier. Although when I grew older, I started to name professions that would fall into the expectations of people around me, default and “nice” professions f sorts (“nice” as it is perceived in society.). Something like a doctor, a teacher. I always only would talk about things that I had contact with as a child.
I didn’t have enough patience and perseverance for any hobbies. My parents are amazing, but unfortunately they couldn't understand that if a child shows an interest or talent in something - it needs to be developed. Maybe they were thinking, that if I am drawing or writing things better than any of my pre-school group mates then this skill will develop by itself and stick with me through my whole life. I was suffering from ADHD syndrome as a kid and I needed control to do anything. If I was invested in something, it would never be for long: I gave up drawing, I gave up writing, i gave up dancing, same with swimming and journalism. So what I am trying to say is: because I could not find a long-lasting hobby I have never really thought about who I want to be when I grow up.

At the moment I am studying, my major is advertising: in my free time I am working at McDonald’s. So, I normally spend my afternoons working, and my evenings in the university. I think I chose my profession purely based on the applicability and modernity, thinking about which area is developing rapidly and becoming more and more in high demand. And I am working in fast-food to sustain myself.

My parents tried to satisfy their own needs and ambitions, which they or my brothers for some reasons couldnt meet even though they really wanted to. This was showing especially strong in regard to higher education: since the first grade I knew for sure, that I will stay until 11th grade, because my parents decided so. My mother only has a nurse education and couldn't become a doctor as she was planning, because she got married when she was 18 and got pregnant with her first child when she was 20. And now she is living in the modern Russia, with a tiny salary of a head nurse, and she is regretting her life choices and is demanding a higher education from me (god forbid i will give up on a university like my brothers did or god forbid I will not finish it just like her). My father graduated from the evening school and luckily got into KGB. In the 90s he have quit even though he was 1 away from his pension, a flat from the government and useful connections. I am talking about this as I see a strong connection between the fact that ALL my relatives just hold on long enough and now they don’t have what they could’ve had. And I feel like I have no right to destroy their hopes for a better and richer life than theirs.
Of course we had a lot of arguments. A lot of my classmates just quit high school after 9th grade and went to college, they started their “adult” life earlier and that was something I was craving. Well, I didn’t have that opportunity. The puberty plus the chance to not meet my parents expectations were equal to breakdowns, tears, strong belief that only 11 grades of school and a bachelor degree can make me truly happy.

My mother was forcing me t study english. Since I was 8 I am studying with tutors and quite often not by my own will. No one was paying attention to my physical or moral state: you have to thravel to the opposite side of city, because english is one of the tools to make you succeed.
It was demanded from me to study and study well. I wasn't punished for bad grades, but I almost never had bad grades I remember an episode from the 9th grade. I got a 3 [out of 5, considered an “average” or “ok” grade] for my basic math exam. ANd there was a horrible, disastrous fight: who will you become, do you want to work hard and earn nothing like us? I was feeling horrible. Like an object, a tool, not a child, who is used to achieve everything my parents couldn’t. I was laughing and crying, trying to suffocate myself with a hosepipe in the shower. I had thoughts in my head, swarming:”ha! how will it feel to come home and see that you toy is BROKEN?”. Thank god, the older I became , the less things were demanded from me. But, I cant even imagine my future different from the image I was forced my whole life: I will finish the university, I will get a good job, I will live in a big apartment, I will be stable financially. I don’t even know what will happen If I don’t meet these expectations of myself.

Varya Gorshkova

When I was a child I wanted to be a zoologist, grow plants at home and to create a greenhouse, to breed chameleons and frogs. My profession by education is a stop-motion animator. However, I said goodbye to this profession during the studies already. I want to dive in fully into fashion and style, photoshoots, clothes, image, sometimes painting; it is mine and it is my passion.

I had a lot of arguments with my parents. First they expected me to study until 11th grade and were very unhappy that I quit high school after 9th. Then they were mad that I chose to be an artist, then about my “not-so-great” grades in my diploma. Later about the fact that I didn’t try to go for a bachelor degree. They still are talking about how important it is to have higher education. My mother’s image of me as of a genius and it is insulting for her that i have chosen another path in life. One of the main reasons I fled my home is the endless arguments about my “unsuccessfulness” and “laziness”. Of course parents quite often want to embody themselves, destroy their flaws and achieve their dreams through their children, that is why the arguments are taking place. As if “my child must be the best of the best” is not their own complexes, low self-esteem and feeling of lacking realisation and success in life.
So, after graduating as an artist, I realised that I dont want or need the higher education, I want to live, work and study by myself, I want to continue on with my passion. All these “unjustified expectations have created a strong sense of guilt in me, which I am trying to get rid of and trying to learn to appreciate myself for who I am. And in my opinion you can only do it if you are far away from your parents and their terror.
I am young and I have a lot of creative powers. I feel like I am on the right path in my life and at this stage of my life I feel like I achieved what I wanted.

Valentina Polikarova

When I was little I really wanted to be a psychologist or something of a sort to help people. Currently I am studying for game gesign and development, so I guess psychology is howhere in here in the spectrum, because I'm still really interested in cognition. Would love to do more creative things though, like painting or mixing music.   My parents always gave me freesom of choice when it came to my interests, so I'm grateful for that, because I didn't experience as much pressure as my peers, one of whom was told at the age of 5 and up that she is going to be a doctor and nothing else. I never had fights with my parents about it because they were supportive of me no matter what hobby I took up. I think partially they decided to take that approach because of how strict their own parents were and they didn't want to put me through the same experince. I never felt pressure or had demands from my parents, but people who surrounded me most of my life did have that effect on me. I always was in company of many talented people, who even at a young age were very good at writing or drawing. Because of this and a bit of perfectionism I never really could take up creative skills because I would always compare myself to them, realise that I'm not nearly as good and stop. Now I am a lot less strict on myself and understand that practice makes perfect, but it also takes time, which I don't have now, considering the university studies. At times I still have the thoughts like "what if i'm not good enough" or "what if it doesn't turn out right" and so on, but I'm trying to resist it so I have more room to improve my skills and grow as a person. Wouldn't consider myself am accomplished person, but then again I don't thinj anybody can call themselves that, because in life you never stop growing and developing.

Who did you want to be when you grow up?  - I wanted to be a flight attendant/stewardess when I was young. Just someone that enjoys life and flies to multiple destinations to see more of the world’
Who are you now/ what is your profession/what is your occupation/job?  - Im almost graduated at the rotterdam school of applied sciences for Communications. I don’t know for 100% sure what my direction will be but I want to do more with social media, events and writing. Next to school I have a job at Weekday Rotterdam as a Sales advisor.  Would you like to do something else at the moment? - not really. I trust my path. I know I will graduate and I will do the things I love to even in my job. So I’m patient. And weekday is fun to work at.   Did it occur in your life that your parents/relatives were expecting certain choices or paths from you?  - Yes. They never said “hey u need to become a doctor” but my parents always pushed me to get my degrees as high as possible and get a job that wil pay me big time. So I don’t know if that the right thing 2 do. Maybe I want something else and I get joy out of it u know?   Did you have any arguments related to this?if it happened could you try to explain why?(from your point of view) - Yes enough. My parents had a strict policy looking at raising me as a kid. They forbid me too much and I never learned to fall & stand up. Also hard for me to build my own opinion. Back in the days I loved to do something with events, makeup, hair. But my parents forbid me and told me to not go after this. Sad tho. I am the one that is going to work and I find it important to be happy with what I am doing. I had enough fights and arguments but now I learned that I am going to do what I want!!!   Have it ever occurred that the expectations were too high and you couldn’t cope? How did you feel in such moments? - Yep. Expectations were really high. Still but I don’t listen to it anymore. It gave me hard times and lowkey/highkey stress to prove myself because I thought that was normal to do to your parents. It shaped me to the person I am now but my childhood was not that fun and this extra stress forced me to be a closeminded person and being on my own. I think that is not the right way to support or learn your children things in life.   Do you feel like you have succeeded within the path you have chosen? Whether the answer is yes or no, please explain why - Yes I have. I’m going to graduate something that was not forced upon me. I chose it myself. And within this job I will choose my own path and did not need my parents for that. I sounds harsh but I’m proud of myself of making my own decisions. And I know I will reach my goals and dreams on my own i can do this. Got enough friends that support me also and that helps too. And now the next adventure will come after graduation... 

Polina Kopylova

During my childhood I had this dream of becoming a dragonologist, to study and find traces of these magical lizards. I think a lot of people back then had those red-cover books, which was inspiring kids for such adventures. Well, throughout my whole life I am as dreamy as I was back then. When I became a bit older, I got obsessed with animation. I was creating simple stories in stop-motion with my parents camera, i was drawing and cutting out characters and was moving them on the backgrounds. Later on I discovered a variety of montage programmes, digital drawing programmes like paint, later photoshop. In a collaboration with my friend we were creating animated fun movies based on warrior cats, Harry Potter and other fandoms. I also have quit school after 9th grade and got a college diploma as an animator, but after working for a bit as such I realised that it is not really the work with movement that attracts me. I felt that I appreciate working with concept art and illustration more. All of a sudden I got invested in a new hobby: stitch embroidery and pins made out of felt. At first it was meant as gifts to my close friends and relatives, but later people started to ask for custom designs on social media. I started to collaborate with comic book and hobby stores, creating pins of different characters as they are very popular with people. That is how I found my passion, however, I still am not giving up on trying myself in game development and concept art.
My parents never really demanded anything specific regarding profession from me, but my father wanted me to continue helping wth family business. But as soon as I became financially independent I stopped helping them. The only thing that occurred is when I graduated from college, my father offered to pay for the further education, but when I chose the course I liked he refused as he believed that it will make me follow the “wrong” path. I am not complaining though, I am pretty satisfied with what I am doing now.
I was never asked “too much”, I was never shamed for bad grades and I was not expected to achieve head-spinning results. On the contrary, when I was studying too hard they would offer to get some rest, or to skip a day to not hit a burnout. My study process was never strictly controlled, I was treating my studies responsibly and I didn’t have any problems.
I am young and want to try out and learn a lot of things, but I believe I am following the right path and do things that I love.

Polina Kamalova

When I was a kid there was a lot of professions of my interest. But it was 2 of them that were interesting me the most: an artist and a cashier. I managed to be an artist for a while and for now this dream lies somewhere in the future for me, as I want to attend an art school and to draw for myself. As for the cashier, the reason is quite fascinating: I really liked the buttons on the cash register and the fact that cashier ladies can press them whole day straight. Right now I am studying in a university fro a Programme engineering, and am pressing the pretty buttons as much as I want, so you could say that my dream came true. At the moment I am satisfied with my choice as my study is interesting for me, and it is not interfering with my hobby.
My parents would support my choice of profession, however it didnt stop them from joking about me wanting to be a professional cook (which I was thinking about in the 9th grade) they made my choice for me, but iI can’t say that I have any regrets.
I would be expected to achieve more than I wanted to, but I knew I could do it. The most arguments were about the gold medal [which is given when you get all the 5’s for your high school finals] as I was told about it 30 times a day since 8th grade, and I was the most annoyed at the fact that it was so “important” and that it is being talked about over and over and over again.
I feel like I have a lot to do and achieve, as I don't feel satisfied with where I am at.